my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
