Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
