I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
