He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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