The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
FUCK WHALES
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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