absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
