I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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