mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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