He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
