If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
