if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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