Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
