Swine flu. Run for my life!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
