I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
