Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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