Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
