Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
