hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
