He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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