My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
