Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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