My nipple is on Facebook.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
