never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
