My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
