Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
