i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Too much gin, very little bucket
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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