Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
