So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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