What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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