I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
