Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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