I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
