My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im part way to drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
