So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
