Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
