you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
