So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
