I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
