I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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