I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
