So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
