I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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