When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
