I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
