Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
did i just pee glitter
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
