I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Ladies don't puke and tell
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
