she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i drank out of a bidet.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
