Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
