Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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