Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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